(This post was originally written 2/14/2021)
A year ago today, I sat at the kitchen table across from my husband, listening to his words as my world came crashing down around me. The conversation came that evening after I came home from work. I sat there in shock as he told me that he was ending our 22-year marriage. We had been active in ministry, serving at church together and my expectation was that we would continue to move forward on that journey. Things had been changing rapidly in our lives. I was going back to school, the kids were grown and we were (in my mind) going to enter a new and exciting phase in our relationship.
Stepping Away
As he spoke, I listened and processed at the same time. The words he was saying and the reasons he was giving were all so surreal. I don’t even truly know what I said at the time, but at that moment I realized my life was never going to be the same. I knew there was no reason to question, to beg, to discuss. I knew what he was saying and why he was saying it. In the midst of my shock and disbelief, so many things I had been feeling finally made sense to me and I just sat there waiting for some reason to walk away from that table, that room, where we had spent so many days and nights. I wanted to leave that place where we had shared so many smiles and so many beautiful moments before. That kitchen table where we had sat together, would never be the same.
Climbing Back on the Mountain
When this all happened, I was between classes on my way to completing a Seminary program in preparation for the things we had been planning. I was a pastor’s wife, a former worship leader, and a mother of two adults. We had worked our way through a lot of hard times and were financially doing okay. We were in relatively good health and we were getting along pretty well in my mind.
This Valentine’s Day I sit here alone, reflecting on the past 12 months, wondering where God is going to take me now.
On the days when I can feel things slow down a little bit, I find myself trying to make sense of it all. I have to go back and think about what I can hold fast in this time of refinishing.
What I Know For Sure
What I know for sure is that God has been walking with me for the last year, just as He was since I was born. He knew what was going to happen that night. He knew that we would not be married by this time the following year. He knew that I could make it. And He knew that when I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore, He would be there for me, guiding and loving me through this most difficult time of my life.
What I know for sure is that many years ago, God called me to write. I did not have a clue in the world why I felt that urgency, but I knew it was there, so I started to journal. The journals from those years are the ones that I have read often, watching the Lord take my hand and lead me on through so many things. The twists and turns of those years taught me a little more about who I was, and a whole lot more about who HE is. Those words I typed, all the while not understanding His “why,” were the words that led me here. Those words paved the way for the starting of this blog, ultimately driving me back to school, to learn, yet again, more about who He is now, and who He was in the beginning.
What I know for sure is that I still, after all that happened this year, have an ache in my heart for a woman I call “Her.” That woman…sitting there alone….that woman who doesn’t know what is next, but knows that the answer is out there if she can only hold it together for a little while longer.
If that is you, I want you to know that I see you. I feel you. I understand your pains a little more. I never wanted to experience all the heartache that I survived the last year. I never wanted to have to handle any of the things that happened before that either, but I understand it, and I just wish to be here for someone who needs to be encouraged during those times when we need hope. You see, I do not need to know who you are and what your specifics are in order to share with you who God is. You are so much stronger than you think you are. I believe that I am called to minister to you in your loneliness, to be a safe place for you in your pain. I feel in my heart that I am called to write my words for you, to let you know that you are not alone. You will make it, beautiful one. We both will. And God will be with us with every step.
It is for “Her,” wherever she is, that I sit here again, trying anything I know to do to heal, to learn, to grow and to stand again.
That call I feel down in my heart doesn’t stop in my weakness, it doesn’t disappear in my sadness, it only reminds me why I have to get back up and find a way through this.
So I am back at my computer again, pouring out the words that come into my mind off and on every day when I’m working my way back to the top of the mountain. I know I will get there….because my God is always faithful. He is always kind, and He is always here, even when I feel alone. Even when I feel ashamed, even when I’m tired and weak. He will never fail and I know that I can trust Him in everything.
Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”¹
¹Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
